Every birthday I have had since I was a child has always been a major let down. It's probably one of the main reasons I don't want to have anymore.
I remember when I was little that my mom always said we couldn't afford a party for me, and yet every year she'd buy something expensive for herself. The fortunate thing is that is no longer the case since we don't live together.
Since I started throwing parties for myself or others they never pan out. It was that way for any party in high school, all my birthdays, my baby shower, Kayleigh's baptism, etc. The only successful party I threw was my wedding...no shocker, expensive food and alcohol!
Well the latest let down, my best friend April has somewhat canceled our weekend. She's still coming down, and I still get to see her. However, instead of staying the night on Friday and Saturday, she's coming down on Saturday and leaving on Saturday. I haven't seen her since my baby shower over 6 months ago, so I'm really bummed. I know I should be very happy to see her regardless, but I'm still pretty bummed.
Oh well, another year, another birthday, and another let down.....
Friday, July 16, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Depressing
I swear I only blog when I'm depressed, and that's still the case!
The term sweet release does not even come close to what I use this blog for. Oh well, either ignore it or read on.
Reality is seeping in to my head on a daily basis. It seems to be that I have little to live for, and the only thing I live for is Kay. The song "You are My Sunshine" is so fitting it's scary. She really is the only light at the end of my dark tunnel.
I'm realizing more and more that my marriage is a sham. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade of being happy when I'm not. We argue about the littlest in consequential things, and it's always about money.
I've hated the subject of money since I was little, and still hate it. I would rather be poor, living a ditch, and happy then miserable dealing with money issues.
There are so many times lately that I want to just slit my wrists and be done with it. The only thing that makes me stop and think is Kay. She is what makes me smile and continue to go on. However I really believe that she would be better off without me in her life to fuck her up.
I don't trust Mike with her either, and that bothers me. I've tried to talk to him about taking precautions and not letting her out of his sight for even a split second. Every time I do though, I'm fighting an up hill battle, because he is never wrong. I'm the idiot for even opening my mouth to voice a concern. It's my fault for even voicing an opinion and wishing I was being heard.
Why do I bother even speaking? My mother always told me I was a fucking idiot, and a worthless piece of shit. I've continued to try and prove her wrong, but all I do is fuck that up as well. I know Kay will one day look at me and tell me how much she hates me, and how big of a fuck up I am. That I'm the reason she's unhappy, and I'll know she's telling the truth, just like my mom told me.
I don't regret having Kay because like I keep saying she is my only savior, but I do regret being the one to bring her into the world. She should have been given to someone else, and not someone who will ultimately screw her up for the rest of her life. She's a blessed little girl to have Mike, his family and his parents, but I'm like a curse and a black hole to her life.
If I could go to sleep and not wake up I think it would be for the best, except for the fact that my body would be left. I don't want anyone burdened with having to deal with me after I'm gone. It will be bad enough that they've had to deal with me for my entire life, I don't want to cause more problems when I'm gone.
I don't believe god would be kind to me by letting me die though. I know I don't deserve to be so lucky. He would probably keep me alive, and in pain so I can fully understand the things I've put others through. I understand that's what I deserve, I accept that. I just don't want to punish the people I love for the things I have done wrong.
My life was a mistake, and has continued to be a curse on this earth. I think one day soon I will do my best to end it once and for all.
The term sweet release does not even come close to what I use this blog for. Oh well, either ignore it or read on.
Reality is seeping in to my head on a daily basis. It seems to be that I have little to live for, and the only thing I live for is Kay. The song "You are My Sunshine" is so fitting it's scary. She really is the only light at the end of my dark tunnel.
I'm realizing more and more that my marriage is a sham. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade of being happy when I'm not. We argue about the littlest in consequential things, and it's always about money.
I've hated the subject of money since I was little, and still hate it. I would rather be poor, living a ditch, and happy then miserable dealing with money issues.
There are so many times lately that I want to just slit my wrists and be done with it. The only thing that makes me stop and think is Kay. She is what makes me smile and continue to go on. However I really believe that she would be better off without me in her life to fuck her up.
I don't trust Mike with her either, and that bothers me. I've tried to talk to him about taking precautions and not letting her out of his sight for even a split second. Every time I do though, I'm fighting an up hill battle, because he is never wrong. I'm the idiot for even opening my mouth to voice a concern. It's my fault for even voicing an opinion and wishing I was being heard.
Why do I bother even speaking? My mother always told me I was a fucking idiot, and a worthless piece of shit. I've continued to try and prove her wrong, but all I do is fuck that up as well. I know Kay will one day look at me and tell me how much she hates me, and how big of a fuck up I am. That I'm the reason she's unhappy, and I'll know she's telling the truth, just like my mom told me.
I don't regret having Kay because like I keep saying she is my only savior, but I do regret being the one to bring her into the world. She should have been given to someone else, and not someone who will ultimately screw her up for the rest of her life. She's a blessed little girl to have Mike, his family and his parents, but I'm like a curse and a black hole to her life.
If I could go to sleep and not wake up I think it would be for the best, except for the fact that my body would be left. I don't want anyone burdened with having to deal with me after I'm gone. It will be bad enough that they've had to deal with me for my entire life, I don't want to cause more problems when I'm gone.
I don't believe god would be kind to me by letting me die though. I know I don't deserve to be so lucky. He would probably keep me alive, and in pain so I can fully understand the things I've put others through. I understand that's what I deserve, I accept that. I just don't want to punish the people I love for the things I have done wrong.
My life was a mistake, and has continued to be a curse on this earth. I think one day soon I will do my best to end it once and for all.
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