REALLY?!?!

Ok I just started to get better, I was ready to go back to work...I didn't want to but I was ready! Now this!

I don't deny that I didn't feel that close to my aunt, or the rest of my family on my mom's side. However, they were the only family I had while I grew up. My aunt is also my namesake. I'm really upset that no one, absolutely no one in my family, felt the need to at least mention that my aunts cancer was terminal. I'm on face book with five of them, and none of them could bother mentioning it to me.

She was one of the only people who bothered to show to my fathers funeral. Even though she knew she would get sea sick, she showed. WTF! I have a lot of anger about that, and this is just bringing it all to the forefront.

I know people die, I understand that. I understand that 90% of my family is a lot older than me, and I will loose them all closely to each other. I really didn't expect this!

She started with stage 1 cancer, and because the asshole md's didn't treat her lymph nodes, or they failed to see they were affected, it progressed into stage 4 terminal cancer.

They have started the funeral planning process. She is meeting with a spiritual counselor today. I'm just at a loss, and still numb.

It's all sinking in, but it hasn't completely hit me.

Another Birthday Another Let Down

Every birthday I have had since I was a child has always been a major let down. It's probably one of the main reasons I don't want to have anymore.

I remember when I was little that my mom always said we couldn't afford a party for me, and yet every year she'd buy something expensive for herself. The fortunate thing is that is no longer the case since we don't live together.

Since I started throwing parties for myself or others they never pan out. It was that way for any party in high school, all my birthdays, my baby shower, Kayleigh's baptism, etc. The only successful party I threw was my wedding...no shocker, expensive food and alcohol!

Well the latest let down, my best friend April has somewhat canceled our weekend. She's still coming down, and I still get to see her. However, instead of staying the night on Friday and Saturday, she's coming down on Saturday and leaving on Saturday. I haven't seen her since my baby shower over 6 months ago, so I'm really bummed. I know I should be very happy to see her regardless, but I'm still pretty bummed.

Oh well, another year, another birthday, and another let down.....

Depressing

I swear I only blog when I'm depressed, and that's still the case!

The term sweet release does not even come close to what I use this blog for. Oh well, either ignore it or read on.

Reality is seeping in to my head on a daily basis. It seems to be that I have little to live for, and the only thing I live for is Kay. The song "You are My Sunshine" is so fitting it's scary. She really is the only light at the end of my dark tunnel.

I'm realizing more and more that my marriage is a sham. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade of being happy when I'm not. We argue about the littlest in consequential things, and it's always about money.

I've hated the subject of money since I was little, and still hate it. I would rather be poor, living a ditch, and happy then miserable dealing with money issues.

There are so many times lately that I want to just slit my wrists and be done with it. The only thing that makes me stop and think is Kay. She is what makes me smile and continue to go on. However I really believe that she would be better off without me in her life to fuck her up.

I don't trust Mike with her either, and that bothers me. I've tried to talk to him about taking precautions and not letting her out of his sight for even a split second. Every time I do though, I'm fighting an up hill battle, because he is never wrong. I'm the idiot for even opening my mouth to voice a concern. It's my fault for even voicing an opinion and wishing I was being heard.

Why do I bother even speaking? My mother always told me I was a fucking idiot, and a worthless piece of shit. I've continued to try and prove her wrong, but all I do is fuck that up as well. I know Kay will one day look at me and tell me how much she hates me, and how big of a fuck up I am. That I'm the reason she's unhappy, and I'll know she's telling the truth, just like my mom told me.

I don't regret having Kay because like I keep saying she is my only savior, but I do regret being the one to bring her into the world. She should have been given to someone else, and not someone who will ultimately screw her up for the rest of her life. She's a blessed little girl to have Mike, his family and his parents, but I'm like a curse and a black hole to her life.

If I could go to sleep and not wake up I think it would be for the best, except for the fact that my body would be left. I don't want anyone burdened with having to deal with me after I'm gone. It will be bad enough that they've had to deal with me for my entire life, I don't want to cause more problems when I'm gone.

I don't believe god would be kind to me by letting me die though. I know I don't deserve to be so lucky. He would probably keep me alive, and in pain so I can fully understand the things I've put others through. I understand that's what I deserve, I accept that. I just don't want to punish the people I love for the things I have done wrong.

My life was a mistake, and has continued to be a curse on this earth. I think one day soon I will do my best to end it once and for all.

Seriously!

I guess if you ask if it can get any worse you're setting yourself up for failure.

Lets see, this year I've dealt with my father getting diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, chemo, and then his death from the chemo. On top of that I've gotten pregnant, moved into a new house, after never living anywhere else except my childhood home. My husband being so depressed I thought I'd loose him, as well as his stress from school and work. Then there's the fact I went into pre-term labor near Thanksgiving, and was put on bed rest until I delivered. Then I had doctors appointments 2-3 times a week, and when all was said and done there, I had to have an emergency c-section. Why you ask, because I almost lost my life and my child's. Then to top things off I just found out my husband had an affair while I was 7 and 8 months pregnant!

Seriously, how much worse will it get? Can I please catch a break? I know god only gives us what we can handle, but I don't know how much more I can handle! I'm so numb right now, but the pain is starting to sink in. I haven't cried much, but I know it's coming. I feel the need to, but can't bring the tears to the surface. I so badly need the reassurance that Mike loves me, but I don't know that I'd fully believe him if he told me. He says that this is something he's done in the past, how do I know he won't do it again?!? My marriage and child are the world to me, and the only things I have. I feel as if I've lost almost all of who I am this year. Some of my worst fears have come true, and I can only assume it will get worse. I am so afraid to open the door, answer the phone, and read a e-mail. Yet if I do go out I don't want to come back home because I have to admit that I am alone.

Mike told me during some of my darkest hours, that I wasn't alone even though I have felt that way quite a lot in the last year. When the total truth is, I am! He wasn't completely there for himself, let alone for me. If he had truly been there for me, he wouldn't have committed the affair.

I don't know, I'm just hurting so much inside right now, I want the numb feeling back, it's so much easier than feeling the pain.