Depression

Ok so I started this blog as a private blog, and don't intend to tell anyone about it. If people happen to find it, on well. This is my space to vent and deal with my major depression, as well as other issues.

So let's start somewhere right!

This year has been extremely difficult for me. In February we found out my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I hit my one year marriage anniversary, and less than a week later my father suddenly passed away from complications caused from the chemo he had only 9 days prior. He had one dose of the chemo, and it was the low dose, and it took his life away from him and me. Now I didn't really consider myself a daddy's girl, but I didn't expect to loose my father at 27 either. I miss him every day, and cry about the loss often. The fact I lost my father didn't stop my mother from becoming the greediest woman alive. She sold my father's car less than a week after his death, and fought over money that her rightfully left me. She still ended up with 100k which won't be taxed and I received all of 30k. Now most would say my mom should have gotten it without knowing the relationship they had. They hated each other, my mother had a boyfriend of 12 years, which my father knew about. They were basically divorced without the documentation to say they were. They shared a house, but didn't share a bed for years. I also was my dad's primary care taker when he had his 5 strokes in 2000, and when he started to go down hill in early February this year. So I have a lot of anger still towards my mother for the bullshit she tried to pull.

To top all of this drama off, I got pregnant 3 weeks after my father died, which was cause for both celebration and morning due to my father not being around. Then I moved out of the house I had lived in all my life into a new house with my husband. So that was a major shock to the system in more ways than one. To top all this off, I felt pushed into getting the house we got. I didn't really want the one we got, but had no other choice. I have been extremely resentful of the whole thing. I have hated living here, and still do at times though it's getting better.

Mike is still in school, though almost finished, but I'm hating every moment. The house is not finished with being painted or anything else for that fact....I'm betting it never will be. I feel extremely alone most of the time.

The pregnancy was going well until 11/21/09. I over heated twice and went into preterm labor. They pulled me off of work, and I'm now on bed rest. I honestly thought I'd get to see my husband more, but that proves to be a complete disappointment. He will come home, eat, spend maybe an hour or so more with me, and then disappears into his office where he remains the rest of the night until we go to bed. This happens 3 maybe 4 days out of the week. The other days I don't see him until 11pm typically because of school or study group and it's off to bed at that point. The only day I actually get about 3 hours with him is on Sunday's and that's if it doesn't run late. However it only tends to be about 3 hours, and then he's chomping at the bit to retreat to his man cave. I'm desperate for attention, and cry continuously because of the total feeling of loneliness. Something I have mentioned on numerous occasions. He seems to feel we spend every minute together, which I don't comprehend. He is also talking about getting a second job once he finishes school, and the baby is born. This causes more anxiety for me, and fear of being alone 100% of the time. I constantly wish to fall asleep and never wake up. To remain alive long enough for them to get Kayleigh out of me, and then to die after that. I feel she'd be far better off.

I spent my entire childhood outcast and alienated. I was an only child with hardly any friends, and the ones who were my friends were often there out of convenience to them. My dad was gone every other day working, and my mom hated me. She flat out told me she did when I was 8. I was the bane of their existence, and blamed for all that went wrong. I spent almost all of my time alone in my room praying to die, or just disappear.

The only person who I knew truly loved me, unconditionally, was my grandmother. She moved in when I was 12, and I spent hours on end in her room watching tv, listening to music, or playing card games. I became her sole care taker from 12-22 when she passed away. The year she passed was plagued with hurt, rape, and the one good thing of starting to date my best friend and now husband. I miss her every day like I do my father, but in a different way. When she passed the feelings of loneliness started to increase again and overwhelm me. They have not stopped nor lessened since that day. If anything they have started to increase continuously. Now more than ever I feel completely alone, and alienated. My husband is only around me when he feels it's necessary, or that's how it often feels. My mother is spending major amounts or money on Kayleigh her unborn grandchild, which honestly I'm happy about. I'm still very alone, and fear I always will be. I fear I will always be the last thought on a person's mind, that I will always be pushed to the back burner, and forgotten about. I have tried numerous times to pull myself out of the hole I'm in, and find myself being pushed back in my more forces than I can count. I have become accustomed to seeing myself as a fuck up, as my mother always told me I was. I fear screwing up Kayleigh's life, and yet again wish to fall asleep to never wake up. I see so many positives to me not being in people's lives that it's scary. I don't want to kill myself, but I do wish to die, or not to exist. I wish to be with my grandmother and father, the one person who loved me unconditionally, and the one who loved me the only way he knew how to. I wish to disappear into the void and never feel loneliness again.